You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
