Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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