I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
