I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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