Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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