remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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