He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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