the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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