Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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