Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize