She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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