your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
