i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
