I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
