Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
