There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Randomize