i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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