Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize