went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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