yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
