There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
