I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize