i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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