Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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