I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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