I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
