your parents love me but you hate me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
