I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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