It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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