They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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