you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
