I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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