I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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