Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
