It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize