i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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