I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this will be a night to untag.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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