Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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