at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
