dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
