i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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