dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
