Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
