I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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