fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
