i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
