why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
