my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
