I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
