The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We were destined to go to rehab together
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
