If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Randomize
