no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
